thoughts

the life of thoughts

Elusive strings, ever present,

of images or feelings or desires,

ride my inside reality without pause.

Some in the background,

some loudly out front

forming and convulsing

pulsating right above my eyes

inside my mind

appearing unannounced

from seemingly nowhere.

It occurs to me then

that it’s ME who creates them

and forms my reality from their essence:

The building blocks of my life

spark by spark

brick by brick

soft ribbon by soft ribbon

prodding me to take note:

What beliefs are reflected in their expression?

What beliefs of mine?

I sort through what birthed the ideas

I have held since forever,

unraveling those that swept alongside me

without notice.

Do I like what I see?

Swirls inside my mind

build a framework vast and open.

I command it at my will!

As they wait for more input

They submit fully to just me.

What is it I aim to create?

I am the master

of

joy or misery

love or anger

wisdom or waste

by thought alone -

I must tread carefully!

While our ideas:

all of ours together,

paint

the entirety of the universe

as it expands

into eternity.

(c) 2019 Iris B. Struller

a gray and misted morning

A gray and misted morning

Shines through the window blinds

And daunts me off the pillow

In whispers soft, unkind

 

Adrift in colors yet unseen,

Bright shouts in dull ears forming.

I don't know where I've been so far,

And can't see where I'm going.

 

Unfelt, unheard, unsung it plays,

A song within my mind:

Jarring and cautious melody

Wrung from God's hands to mine.

 

Still hollowed out within my soul

Stand walls too numb to feel.

They haunt with regularity,

Rhythmic, uneven keel.

 

The void is far and wide today

Yawns in my face anew

Pulls me into its depths so deep

Numbs me, my mind, to sleep.

 

It's here that I must start again,

Its sorrow calls my name.

This day! Now! Start anew! it pleads

Again again again.

 

I lift my head, succumbed its voice

Know it won't let me be.

Determined I must face my fears,

head on, unwavering.

 

Unworthy and Anxiety

Stand off with butcher's knife

A tug of war within my soul

maul, silent prayer, me.

 

God!

Will hope and strength and courage

onto my soul! To be!

Shred my old fears of emptiness

Of numbness so complete.

 

I lie and wait for change to come

This subtle shift within

to melt life's blood inside my veins,

make day worthwhile again.

 

But where to turn,

toward what light hidden within the burn?

My heart's aflame

My mind, a cane of straw to break

in whispers old and stern.

 

And still untold!

My story

Hidden from view so cruel

Torn from child's flesh buried within

Sweet cradle, black, untrue

 

And out of sight you've stayed again,

Stayed unbeknownst to me!

Yet still I search both high and low,

In damned wish to break free.

 

Oh leave me be!

To live or die, to love or not awhile

Torturous breath of air alone

This life nor love beguiled.

 

And mist settles so silently

Around my shoulders tight

A cloak I wear and wear it well

deep, far into this night.

 

(c)  2017Iris B. Struller